for years I've been crying into a pillow full of goosedown
the mantra of ghostkisses and spiderflys
gnashing at my head
my only thoughts are missing you
you're a truebluekid
you say what you mean
and mean what you
say, or atleast that is how
I
re
(member)
you
the voices in my head
are screaming out for some release
some blood stains on the shag
some kind of carpet suffocation
the pounding in my head
is so loud
I can hardly hear the plink
of liquid fire falling from my eyes
missing you
missing you
for years I've been crying solid tears
I'm soaked from head to toe
and there's nothing but images and memories
most of the time I'm not sure you even exist
an angel of my nightmares
come to life shadowed in the
windows of the morgue
for years I've cried...
screaming in my head
the screaming in my head
is calling for you
missing you
missing you
----------------------------------------------------
the title comes from the latin phrase: Abyssus abyssum invocat - Hell calls hell; one mistep leads to another
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
that was a really bitchy comment from me, sorry I'm not usually like that.
So...
yeah the plink this is going, and I'll play around with the solid tears thing. The nightmare imagery is an allusion. I like repetition, is a thing of mine, so I'm keeping it. but thanks for the review Cicero.
cheers CL
Of course I understand why people use them. However, that doesn't mean they aren't unnecessarily cryptic and stupid.
thanks for the review Cicero. It was very informative.
So second stanza, I really don't think you understand why people use "styllistic" techniques and what it means to use them. And that's okay with me, I'm not changing anything about the technique in the 2nd stanza.
I've to run to clase I'll finish this later.
cheers CL
Woo! This stanza is fabulous. Some may call it overdone, but I am quite taken with it. "Ghostkisses and spiderflys"... ooohhh shivers!
Oy vey, what is with you people and your obsession with stupid "styllistic" techniques? They do not improve the piece AT ALL. STOP USING THEM.
Space out true blue kid, and put a space between "at" and "least".
This stanza is confusing... how about: "you're a true blue kid/ - you say what you mean - / or at least that is how/ I remember you."
Get rid of "kind of" - it throws off your parallel structure or reformat the stanza.
Random aside: I wrote a poem about black shag carpet once.
The plink of liquid fire falling from my eyes is a little over done...
Solid tears? Oy. First liquid fire then solid tears? Please get rid of that. How about simply: "for years I've been crying"
Get rid of the "and" and put it before "most".
Hmmm why would this person be a nightmare if you miss him or her?
That's nice, we already know that. Get rid of this.
Hmmm... I don't know if the first "screaming in my head" is necessary.
---------
Overall, a pretty neat poem. The first stanza was the strongest by far, however. Happy revision!